Monday, April 6, 2009

Divorce


Depending on where you go for your numbers the divorce rate in this country is around 41% for first marriages, 60% for second marriages, and 73% for third marriages.

Most common causes of divorce in no particular order:
1. Infidelity
2. Communication Breakdown
3. Abuse - physical, psychological, or emotional
4. Financial

What the hell is wrong with people!? 41% divorce rate is ridiculous and we should be ashamed of ourselves. If you have to get a divorce, then you didn't know the person you were marrying in the first place. Barring some tragic life-altering physical or mental accident, people don't change. If your spouse was an ass when you dated, then they will continue to be an ass after you get married.
The warning signs are easy to spot, I'm sure you've all seen them. The people and couples I think that are most likely to get divorced show the following signs: getting too serious too fast, really extreme in their descriptions of their love for the other person, irrational decision making, highly emotional people, people with mental or emotional problems, drug and alcohol addiction problems, and people who have been previously married. If you can't communicate with the person you want to marry about all topics (financial, health, food, children, etc...) then you won't be able to make it work in marriage either. If you fight all the time now, you will continue to do that in marriage. If your life goals and long term plans are at opposite ends of the spectrum, just ignoring this fact and putting it off to deal with later will not work. When it eventually comes up, and it will, you won't be able to resolve it any better and you will both end up being unhappy.
Pop culture has not helped any of this either. Songs and TV do nothing but mock the traditional nuclear family and glorify the hardships of single moms. Many movies are specifically geared towards a whole group of people living this great single life in their 40's after being divorced. It's a joke. Getting married and then divorced leaves you unhappy and broke. Why would you want that? People need to wise up and think more about the decision to get married instead of letting their hormones dictate their life. And here's a thought, if your friends and family that you have trusted your entire life don't like your potential spouse, perhaps you should trust their judgement and question your own. Bottom line is no matter how 'in love' you are with someone, at some point you need to think rationally about your situation and relationship and make sure that you are marrying the right person. Marriage is forever, at least in my book.

21 comments:

  1. I agree 100% here. Marriage in the US is a joke and no longer considered a sanctity. People have no idea what "for the rest of your life" means anymore. The two biggest factors are what I voted for to the left - immaturity and lack of communication. Sadly enough we are getting to the age where more and more of our friends who got married in the past 3-5 years will start getting divorces. Nobody cares anymore because there are no real consequences to getting a divorce. Sure, there are financial consequences, but they don't seem to outweigh the benefits of the divorce or else the rate wouldn't be over 40%. Once again my solution is to punish divorce with the death sentence. And that is for both parties - there will be no proving of who is in the right, just death for both members involved. In fact, throw the children in there too as a punishment. Once we enforce that a few hundreds times over the states, people might start actually thinking before making life-altering decisions like marriage. Tough love, I know but we have to start setting some examples to the rest of the idiots out there.

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  2. I'm noticing a trend with your responses, they always start out with a rational argument and then always end with you thinking we should kill someone. By the time someone reads that part, they have forgotten the point you made in the sentences above. And I think we should kill everyone. See my point, you don't even remember what I said before that sentence.

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  3. I think the rise in divorce rate is more about our culture's acceptance of divorce these days more than anything else. I think married people have always had the issues they have today, and when it's not that big of a deal to society for them to just give up and get divorced that is what they do.

    What I don't understand is until you find someone that truly does make you happy, why do you want to get married anyways? When you do things like get married and have children you have to start living your life for other people as opposed to yourself, and even though it's evident most people are not ready to do that, they go and do it anyways. Marriage and children seem hard enough even when you are fully committed, and way to easy to fail when you are not.

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  4. I know that I think everybody should be killed for not following the rules and that it might be seen as "extreme" or some other crap. But my whole point with that was summed better by Brett. Our society has just accepted divorce as a part of life and it is an escape for making the irrational decision of getting married before you are ready. Jake and Cindy are 1 of 3 married couples of my friends who I truly think will make it all the way to the end (Keith and Kevin, this is no slight to you as I believe you both have great marriages but I met both of you as married men and so I have no other frame of reference). And 3 couples of the 10-15 I know who are married is just sad (and roughly 40%)!

    I also do not believe that there is a "perfect someone" out there for everybody. I think that you can fall in love (and truly be in love) with multiple people as you go through life. But marriage isn't just about being in love. There is a ton of hard-work and sacrifices made to make a marriage and/or family work. You want to make sure you find somebody who you can talk about EVERYTHING with and who is on the same page in life as you. You have to make a marriage work - it doesn't just happen. Communication is the key to any successful relationship. That and being a demon in the sack...

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  5. Good post Jake. I do have a question. Say someone agrees with this 100% and over time they realize they are not interested in marriage, but as they get older they would like to have a child or children. Is it ok for someone to be a single parent by choose? Many people feel this isn't a good lifestyle for a child to be raised in.

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  6. Sorry, I meant choice not choose....before the spelling and grammar police attack me.

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  7. I think if someone is willing to raise a kid in a loving environment, gay, single, whatever, I think they should. But I'm really referring more to adoption...because there are so many kids out there that need a good home. And I think a stable home environment is better than an orphanage or switching foster homes a few years. But although its legal, I think someone who is single or gay and chooses to birth a baby through in vitro fertilization is really only doing it for themselves. I think the most stable environment is one in which a kid can learn and be influenced by both a mom and a dad. I think you need both.

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  8. phewww...that was close, I could hear Casey's sirens

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  9. Great post Jake, yes our divorce rate is very said..Currently I already know one person who is divorced our age. Also, I think Justin said it best with the fact, Marriage is not just about love. It takes a lot more then that to hold it together and you have to realize its not going to always be happy go lucky. I think that is where people fall apart because they just expect life and their marriage will always be perfect and the day its not they quit instead of working it out. So as Heather and I say and joke to each other when we are frustrated, "Tough luck babe, NO GIVE BACKS".

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  10. Ok, I feel so strongly about this topic that I feel the need to comment, even though I am basically totally agreeing with you. Divorce has become such an accepted thing in our society! So many people who get married think that if it doesn't work out, they can just get a divorce. (side note: I find that the people who accept the idea of divorce tend to be quite selfish and put themselves before anyone else, including their spouse.) As soon as you make divorce a possibility in the back of your mind, you are headed in that direction. Marriage is not for everyone, but for those that truly want it, they need to be sure, before taking the vows, that they are marrying a person they both love and can communicate with effectively. You not only have to be committed to your spouse, but you have to commit to work on yourself so that you can "grow" together. I think that as soon as communication stops, or one person stops trying, the foundation of the relationship cracks. The key is to find someone that is also willing to accept that divorce is not an option, ever. People definitely need to take a good long and honest look at their partner before deciding to marry them - love is only blind for those idiots who choose for it to be so (which I fear is the majority of our society today).

    On the other hand, I believe some couples can live their entire lives together happily and raise children without ever getting officially married. It definitely depends on each individual couple and how each person views marriage. I think people are likely to get divorced if they view marriage as a "step" or a necessary thing in their relationship (i.e. something just to make their partner happy, the next obvious step in their relationship, a necessity to start having kids, a necessity to be sexually active). I totally blame society as a whole for their acceptance of these views of marriage and for no longer viewing marriage as sacred.

    Just one last note: I think that marriage is partially a state of mind and if you don't have a good and solid state of mind about it, then you're already on the road for divorce.

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  11. Jake, I love the second youtube video. lol

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  12. Yaaaa, Lindsay, welcome to the blog. I don't think it could have been stated better...I personally think movie stars are part of our issue...the wed like fashion styles...and for some reason lots of people look up to them. Ugh.

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  13. Kevin has a good point.Many people only think about the wedding and party, etc. and overlook the 'marriage' which is most important and should always come first. Lindsay, I love your comment....glad to hear from you!

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  14. Since we are all so adamant about the necessity of communication in a relationship, I would like to voice my concerns with having to wait for my comments to be "approved" by Jake before being visible. Now while I understand that this is a family-friendly blog, I also feel that steps can be taken to alleviate the administrative responsibilities that burden Jake so. I feel that if Jake does not think we have the cognitive capacity to use words that are not 4-letters or make jokes that don't have to do with inappropriate acts of love then he should have a blog-post-commenting seminar to teach us right from wrong. Ignorance is one of society's biggest flaws so we need Jake to educate us to the proper ways of blog-commenting.

    Basically all I'm saying is that waiting for my comment to be approved is about as gay as Cody in a San Fran drag bar. Damn ass hell!

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  15. Justin- You need to understand that I know what is best for you and all of the readers of this blog, much in the same way that our government and president know what is best for it's citizens. I'm not just censoring you for four letter words, but also for content that may invalidate my blog postings. If you post a comment that is too strong of a counter point to something I wrote, then I would be stupid to post it. It's all about control here at A Very Serious Blog About Very Serious Things. Be well.

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  16. Jake- How do the three sea shells work?

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  17. Bravo Brett! I was wondering if anyone would catch that reference.

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  18. Justin, look at it this way. You are a little Chinese citizen trying to get by on wages from washing skyscrapers and Jake is the big Chinese government who reads all your mail and will kill you if need be. Sorry Jake, but I think I just got your blog from China.

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  19. No, that's helpful Kevin. For some reason Justin only understands things when you put them in terms of someone getting killed. Thanks for clarifying.

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  20. Yeah, that helps a lot and I appreciate the honesty from Jake. Now that I know there are dire consequences to inappropriate postings (such as death) then I will be on my best behavior! Until of course somebody else posts something deserving of the death punishment and they go unkilled because Jake does not back up his word consistently or with much authority. In that case, I will start to do whatever I want, whenever I want, to whoever I want. I call it my Blacktimization plan...

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  21. So I have a problem with the statement: “some couples can live their entire lives together happily and raise children without ever getting officially married.” I don’t think that marriage is the missing link between a couple and its future happiness (and that may not be what you were trying to say)

    However, I do find a discrepancy in that statement with still calling marriage sacred. If we truly believe marriage is so sacred, then why are we not holding up un-married long-term couples to the same standard as those who‘ve been divorced. As much as we’ve berated divorcees for breaking the covenant of marriage, should we not also do the same for those refusing to even enter the marriage state.

    If we don’t hold this view, maybe we should evaluate our view of marriage - in particular, why it is so sacred or is it at all? If living un-married is okay, what is the point of marriage?

    Side note: Obviously, I agree with everyone that it shouldn’t be rushed into or defaulted to, both of those reasons present significant hurdles for future happiness in marriage, but how long does it really take to know if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone? If you been together for something like seven years, I mean really? You still don’t know?

    One more thing (because apparently I’m really opinionate come 2 am), I think it’s important to remember that couples are never infallible - in the first year of marriage or in the 50th year - to the temptation of divorce. Everyone has really hard days where you shut down and just need time alone, and there is certainly grace for that - divorce doesn’t happen overnight. But we choose to grow apart - marriage is not the guilty party, we are. Someone said that getting a divorce is just our own selfish desires and it’s so true. In our pleasure-filled, entertain-me society, we have grown accustomed to never suffering. We rarely desire to work hard and when hard work is required, we pout that it is unfair because we deserve to be happy. What’s ironic is that the happiest marriages I know of are the ones where they work hard to love each other daily. Hard work bears the fruit of happiness.

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