Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Chuck Norris Tribute Day

Today, is Chuck Norris Tribute Day. I will reject any comments that are not Chuck Norris related. Some of my favorite Chuck Norris facts:
1. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
2. Chuck Norris does not sleep, he waits.
3. There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris' computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
4. Chuck Norris counted to infinity, twice.
5. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard, just another fist.
6. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of animals Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
7. Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, he just decides what time it is.
8. Chuck Norris is so fast that he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
9. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He just stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
10. Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through land.
11. Chuck Norris loses his virginity every time he has sex.


  1. 12. Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

  2. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

    If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

    Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is.

    Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.

    Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

    Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

  3. Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

  4. When Chuck Norris shaves,the razor bleeds

    When Clark Kent tears off his suit, he becomes Superman. When Superman tears off his suit, he becomes Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

    Mountains are only places where Chuck Norris hasn't walked yet.

    Chuck Norris can hear sign language

    The dark space below Chuck Norris is not his shadow, but the ground trying to escape from him.

  5. Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy.

    Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

    They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.

    If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

  6. Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

    Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

    Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

    Chuck Norris can jump-start a car using jumper cables attached to his nipples.

    Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

    When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.

    Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists

    Chuck Norris can kick through all 6 degrees of separation, hitting anyone, anywhere, in the face, at any time

    Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked a ten dollar bill into 200 nickels.

  7. I love how when you search Google for "Chuck Norris Jokes" you get a bunch of links that reference "Facts about Chuck Norris."

  8. The universe was created when Chuck Norris sneezed, burped, coughed, and farted all at the same time.

    The devil once sold his soul to Chuck Norris.

    Lance Armstrong didn't test positive for steroids. He tested positive for living in the same state as Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris isn't gay, he just ran out of women.

    Chuck Norris once round house kicked a Hindu man so hard, he was still-born in his next life.

  9. whoever voted for me in a silver jumpsuit winning the footrace better hope that Chuck Norris doesn't find out and roundhouse kick you in the face

  10. Ironically, Chuck Norris’ hidden talent is invisibility.

    Chuck Norris isn’t lactose intolerant. He just doesn’t put up with lactose’s shit.

    Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

  11. The only reason Justin's downline would beat Chuck Norris is because Justin's downline is the onlyone that is going downhill. OHHHHH Rabies!!!! http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=rabies&page=2

  12. If Texas Secedes - Chuck Norris for President!!

    Read the article he wrote!

    If we have Chuck Norris on our side, the opposition would just run away.

  13. Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.

    Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

    While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.

    Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.

    Chuck Norris eats lightning and farts thunder.

  14. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

    Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

    Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"

    When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris

  15. Chuck Norris once challanged Lance Armstring in a "Who has more testicles" contest. Chuck Norris won... by five.

    Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Noris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.

    If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the f*** down.

    Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.

    There is no such thing as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.

  16. Chuck Norris doesn't take showers, he takes bloodbaths.

    Chuck Norris' forecast: Cloudy with a 90% chance of pain.

    In case of Chuck Norris stop, drop, and DIE.

  17. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling,“Bang!”

    Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

    Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you’re thinking to yourself, “That’s impossible, I already lost my
    virginity.”, then you are dead wrong.

    Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is “his” way.

    The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

  18. If Chuck Norris water skied, it would be barefoot behind dolphins

    Chuck Norris can walk through fire as nothing is hotter then him...wait a sec, I don't know if I should have posted that

    Chuck Norris does not step on toes, he steps on necks

    Once a woman tried to get pregnant from Chuck Norris, but she did not have what it takes to give birth

    If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.

    Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

  19. If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever

    Chuck Norris once taught a class called "Ass Kicking 101". There were no survivors.

    If you make a list of 10 things Chuck Norris cannot do, he will appear at your house and perform them all. Your life may be forfeit.

    Chuck Norris affects the price of stock quotes and land values. Wherever he is, prices drop due to the danger of a sudden catastrophe. He bought his own home for 30 cents and one roundhouse kick.

    Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

    In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

  20. Chuck Norris -- The softer side

    Chuck's favorite wallpaper print is random pieces of fruit.

    Chuck's only two weaknesses in this world is German chocolate and daisies.

    Chuck Norris can't cry, but when watching a good chick flick, he will sweat profusely.

    Before Chuck Norris started killing for a living, he was actually an accomplished interior decorator.

    No one alive can bake a better apple pie than Chuck Norris. He can also make a mean orange-julius.

    Chuck Norris literally kills people with kindness.

  21. Chuck Norris can dance without moving.

    If Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.

    Chuck Norris can fry an egg just by glancing at it.

    Chuck Norris' diet consists entirely of souls.

    Nuclear weapons are made from Chuck Norris' shit.

    Chuck Norris can kill you with mind bullets (that's telekinesis, Kyle).

    The entire universe could hang from a single strand of Chuck Norris' hair.

  22. Chuck Norris once cured a blind man. When the man tried to thank him, Chuck Norris killed him with a roundhouse kick to the face.

    Happy meals make Chuck Norris very, very angry.

    Chuck Norris is against gay marriage, because he doesn't take anything from anybody.

    Chuck Norris doesn't wear sunglasses, he just continually beats the crap out of the sun until it sets.

    If Chuck Norris were a vegetable, he would be a bad ass pepperoni and sausage pizza.

    Chuck Norris began the Efusjon pyramid scheme, and Chuck Norris will end it.

    If Chuck Norris were president, he would 'chop' our federal deficit in half.

  23. Many people think Chuck Norris is a myth. That thought is usually followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.

  24. Most men are OK with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.

    I love Chuck Norris day.

  25. A man once asked Chuck Norris for advice. He was promptly roundhouse kicked in the face.

  26. Chuck Norris only orders his steaks one way, bloody.

  27. If Chuck Norris was black, he would be part Tiger Woods, part Mike Tyson, and 128% King Kong.

  28. Chuck Norris invented the mind balloon. And the wheel.

  29. And now for the Chuck Norris Tribute Day Awards as voted on by Boss.

    Best musical reference - Vanessa for "Chuck Norris shot the sherrif..." (I've been singing this line in my head all day.)

    Most creative Chuck Norris comment - Brett for the "softer side" post. (Brett's so good at blog comments.)

    Most WTF fact - Kevin for "...but she did not have what it takes to give birth." (WTF?)

    The "Out JB-ing JB" award - Dylan for the "Tiger Woods,...Mike Tyson,...King Kong" post (Way to go Dylan.)

    Most anonymous post - Anonymous (who is that?)

    Best overall Chuck Norris fact - Jake for "If Chuck Norris were a vegetable, he would be a bad ass pepperoni and sausage pizza." (Easily the most factual fact.)

    And last, but certainly not least...

    Best roundhouse kick to the face - Chuck Norris for 1:20-1:22 of this right here:


    (pretty sweet)

  30. Bravo, great work everybody. I think we've really accomplished something meaningful. You'll probably be telling your grandkids about this someday.

  31. History books tell us that Hitler committed suicide while hiding in his Bunker. He was actually tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

  32. chuck norris makes rocks bleed just by touching them

  33. you can die by being within a 10-mile radius of Chuck Norris and his awesomeness. Only if he is currently in a great mood will you live, but you will have some very serious injuries.

  34. Earthquakes do not occur by metal plates beneath the earths crust shifting, they occur whenever Chuck Norris sneezes

  35. if u try to take a photo of Chuck Norris, the camera will explode, since nothing can contain that amount of awesomness without combusting. then he will start to roundhouse kick you in the face, and you will die before his foot touches you

  36. God didnt wanted to know what it felt like to be scared, so he made Chuck Norris.

  37. in Soviet Russia Chuck Norris is STILL your favorite color.

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  39. Chuck Norris can make a paraplegic run for his life!

    The Giraffe was created when chuck norris uppercutted a horse

    Chuck Norris once went to the Virgin Islands, when he came back they were THE islands

    Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird

    Jesus once asked himself, "What would Chuck Norris do?"

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