Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Hypothetical Hump Day: "Genie"

You are walking along a beach in the Bahamas (no not the same beach I'm on - Keith and Lindsay, stop following us dammit!) and you stub the crap out of your toe. You look down and there is an old, dirty, green bottle with a cork in it stuck in the sand. All of sudden you are overtaken by the urge to uncork the bottle and drink whatever is in the bottle. Giving in to this ridiculous and disgusting urge, you do it. You instantly begin to choke on a mixture of seaweed, sea water, sand, and shells. As you continue to gag and choke a genie comes out of the bottle and says "dude, that was disgusting, what were you thinking?" Flabbergasted, you stand there with your mouth open in amazement because there is a freaking genie in front of you. He then tells you that you get 3 wishes, anything you want, but the only catch is that you have to wear a 3' tall newspaper dunce hat for the rest of your life (and no, none of the wishes can be not to wear it). So do you take the 3 wishes? If so, what do you wish for?

Monday, June 29, 2009

Say What?

Definitely have mixed feelings about Michael Jackson's death. Yes, yes I know he was a music icon and revolutionized R&B, but the dude was mega-creepy. I didn't wish death on him or anything, but after 10 years of creeping me out, I'm not going to pretend like my world is collapsing either. The news and every commentator out there railed him when those incidents with kids kept happening, but now when he dies, everyone is sad and they raise him up on this pedestal as some kind of hero. So let's send the dude off in proper fashion and be honest with ourselves about his legacy. Just because someone dies doesn't change who they were or what they did. There are a few things I know for sure about Michael Jackson:

1. Amazing dance skills. Who hasn't ever tried to Moonwalk? The guy set the standard.

2. Great singer. His older stuff was great.

3. He was obviouslly a very confused and disturbed individual that didn't like being a man, being black, or his nose. He hated his nose and holds the world record for most back-to-back nose procedures in one sitting. By the end of his life he looked like some kind of pale white femaleish terrifying ghoul.

4. The public might never know for sure whether or not he molested those kids, but I'll tell you one thing, usually people who don't molest kids don't get accused of molesting kids. I don't molest kids, and it's weird how I've never been accused of molesting kids. I don't think he was an evil man that wanted to hurt them, he just loved kids too much. And in this country that is illegal sir.

5. He really mastered the debt as an effective wealth building strategy technique. I mean look at all of the crap he bought over the years and the lifestyle he lived...and it worked out pretty well for him. He dies and his debt just gets battled over in court, what does he care, he's not even here anymore and he lived like royalty for most of his life. But it was a pretty crappy thing to do for his kids. I'm pretty sure there won't be any inheritance left. But hey, at least they'll probably get a few free slots on the VH1 specials about their dad.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Food for Thought Friday

I'll be in and out of the office most of Friday so I thought I would post the night before again. Yes, I removed the Big Brother Iranian-Chinese censor block from the blog so please keep it FF. Here are some funny, offensive, and mind boggling pictures for your viewing pleasure. Happy Friday.

Mind Boggle 1 - Einstein up close, Marilyn Monroe from afar (stand about 10' back)

Mind Boggle 2 - See the baby?

Mind Boggle 3 - How many legs?

Mind Boggle 4 - What the hell are these guys doing?

Offensive Cartoon 1 - Cindy is going to kill me for this one

Funny Picture 1 - Awesome

Funny Picture 2 - This seems legitimate to me. Most research companies start out on a small budget until they get investors. I think investing in alcohol research is a great idea.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Hypothetical Day After Hump Day: "Man or Dog?"

In honor of Heidi's first comment on the blog, I thought we should have a make-up Hypothetical Hump Day since yesterday was consumed with me angrily posting dogs and pogs.

And for those of you out there reading this and not commenting like Heidi used to do, let that be a lesson to you. I have 50 different rhyming picture punishments that I could unleash on you at anytime. So add yourself to the Members list on the left and post a comment every now and then - we want to hear from you. Especially Brett, he's been really lonely ever since quitting his job to become a professional fortune cookie writer. Turns out that is a really competitive market and he doesn't have the right background.

So moving on...Hypothetical Day After Hump Day: "Man or Dog"

Imagine that you and your faithful dog (assume it is not the same one from the cave, you got a new dog and got rid of that other stupid dog that was always wandering into caves with strangers and putting you in bad situations) are taking a vacation in Peru. You are looking forward to some rest, relaxation, and the chance to experience a new culture and terrain. You decide to hire a pilot to fly you around the area for sightseeing. He takes you and your dog up in a small airplane and the views are incredible. As you are flying over the Andes mountains the plane starts to sputter, the engines give out, and "speaking of tailspin," your plane spirals downwards and crashes into the mountains. You wake up in the debris of the plane to find the pilot and your dog dead. Your leg is injured, you can't walk, you are in the middle of a remote part of Peru in the mountains which are covered with snow, it's freakin' cold, you have no food, but you do have a knife and stuff to make a fire with. After a week without food or signs of rescue, you are starving and feeling hopeless. With your mouth watering you look over at your dead dog and pilot and decide it's time to make a tough decision, probably the toughest decision you have ever or will ever have to make....

Do you:

A. Eat your dog
B. Eat the pilot
C. Starve to death
D. Try crawling out of the mountains and freeze to death

Heidi - Do you think I am joking?

Dogs and Pogs

I'm going to post nothing but Dogs and Pogs until Heidi posts a comment! She reads the blog, but never posts anything. There is no time like the present. Vanessa, talk to your friend. Reason with her.

And the Survey Says...

Lifts are for ADA Access.

Sarah should make a baby to cure her boredom at work.

Most people do not like Cats in Hats and wish it would stop.

A household needs to make at least $500k to be considered rich.

Chuck Norris is cooler than pirates, ninjas, and Navy Seals.

The best movie ever is The Big Lebowski. The worst movie ever is The Postman.

Most people have some form of debt.

Tyra Banks and Oprah/Dr. Phil are both really annoying celebrities.

As it turns out, time travel is possible.

Who knew? Mustaches are creepy.

Only time and beer will tell whether or not Justin will get beat up on the river again this year.

Only 25% of Americans accept personal responsibility.

Jake is bald?

Whataburger is by far the best fast food chain.

Most people believe in Christianity.The US should be more active in the green movement.

We love women!

Obama gets a B.

Most people claim they are aligned with the Libertarian party, which I find hard to believe.

Good of the Justin is more important than the good of the individual and the whole.

Under the right circumstances, Texas would try to leave the Union.

Marijuana should be decriminalized.

Justin is not going to make money with his pyramid scheme and friendship bracelets are a better product anyway.

Our country should always keep our federal budget balanced.

Chuck Norris would win a New Year’s Eve footrace, but Justin’s downline and Jake in a silver jumpsuit would be close behind. Brett would still be at the starting line smoking a cigarette.

Johnny 5 is the best 1980’s movie robot.

We should not bail out California and let them figure it out on their own.

We should send all of our prisoners to Guantanamo, it’s the new Australia.

Nancy is really rad.Most people want a car that runs on poop.

Most people exhibit OCD symptoms by excessive double-checking of things.

Most people with bad eyesight are considering the Lasik procedure if they can gather the courage.

The pharmacist’s actions in Oklahoma were in self-defense and justified.

Donny and The Dude are both great friends.

It would be better to be in a situation where you have to choose to save the life of your dog or a stranger from a huge rolling boulder rather than watch a full episode of The View.

The View is horrible and makes viewers ill.

Jake is going to be rolling naked in money on the Ivory Coast before we know it.

Bluetooth talkers are annoying, not important.

Most people don’t give money to people on the streets either because it’s not the responsible thing to do or simply because they just don’t care.

Brett should quit his job and become a fortune cookie writer, seriously.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

I'm starting to get pissed off...

I'm starting to get pissed off...at my work there are these little fruit fly gnat type bugs that fly around and make me angry. I see about 1 or 2 of them every week. No matter how many I kill there are always more, they never go away. They are really small and really fast, probably silver colored. Now that I think about it, I see them in my home office also...and in my car, and at the store, and....

I'm going to do at least one or more of these things:

- shut down my business, it's infested
- take a bath, I'm infested
- take my medication, I'm seeing things
- move into a secure underground lair where nothing can get in, especially really fast silver fruit fly gnat type bugs
- get a reverse Lasik procedure, seeing gnats is a common side-effect

Guest Post: 'Apple and the New iPhone"

Guest Post by Justin: 'Apple and the New iPhone"

Let me first say that I love my iPhone and I think that Apple has done some great things with the product, despite some obvious flaws. However, the new iPhone 3.0 OS (that’s the operating system for you dummies) that was released yesterday fixed almost all of my complaints with my 3G version. The only problem is, even though the iPhone software supports these now, AT&T is slacking and does not currently support either MMS messaging (picture texts) or internet tethering (using your phone as a modem with you PC). Both of those are great additions though and I’m looking forward to finally being able to make that happen. This post is not about the new OS. I would like to address the release of the new iPhone 3G S and the fact that we are definitely all puppets in the Apple play.

The new 3G S is the biggest rip-off I have ever seen. Anybody who is going to pay full price for that thing is an idiot. Anybody who is eligible for an upgrade and still pays $299 for it is a borderline idiot. Apple has not upgraded anything in this phone that is worth paying that kind of money. They are simply selling us the hype and, as usual being the dumb Americans we are, we think that we HAVE to have one. Let me break down the new features the iPhone 3G S is bringing you.

Improved Processor
Okay, so I give it Apple here because faster is always better. But what are you really going to be able to do faster? Download apps, pull up your Safari browser, refresh your email inbox quicker…? I don’t know about you, but that really isn’t a necessity or a current complaint with my phone. Mine is very fast and I download things at a completely acceptable rate. But since I do say that faster is always better, I give the edge to Apple and say good job on this one.

Video Mode and 3-Megapixel Camera
The absence of a video mode was a major complaint among iPhone owners but to me, it’s not all that cool. The quality is going to be complete crap and it will only be worth capturing some random moments at a bar when everybody bursts into song. While that is always fun and hilarious, everybody and their mom has a digital camera which can take video just as easily and better quality. Oh, and the 3-megapixel improvement is a joke. The current 3G is 2-megapixels. That extra 1 is not going to do crap. For this group, I say inconsequential and my view is unchanged.

Voice Control
You can program your contacts and music to have voice recognition and call/play whenever you simply say the name. I guess that is cool but I would really never use it and thus, not worth a significant amount of cash to gain this feature.

This is pretty cool and will work with the Google Maps app and rotate your screen to always have your driving direction going to your south to north. So if you are going north and take a right turn, your maps app will rotate the screen 90 degrees and adjust so that your direction of east still looks like your going up/down. I do like this feature and give Apple the thumbs up.

Cut/Copy/Paste, Landscape Mail and Text, MMS Messaging, Full Phone Search, Internet Tethering, and Voice Memos

All of the above features being advertised as new with the iPhone 3G S is the biggest load of marketing BS I have ever seen! They are not lying to you but they are definitely manipulating the truth! The new iPhone 3G S will come with the 3.0 OS already installed. Every single new feature above is part of the new OS, not the new iPhone! All of us with iPhones now can get onto iTunes and download the 3.0 OS and have those features on your phone right now. I’ve done it and it is sweet! But that is such horsecrap that Apple is trying to manipulate the morons out there into thinking that these features are exclusive to the latest iPhone version.
So to sum, there is nothing that comes exclusively new with the iPhone 3G S that I find extraordinary or worth shelling out a few hundred bucks. Yes, it is faster, has more memory (32 gigs), and a built-in compass but who the hell cares? My 16-gig iPhone 3G does everything I need it to and I haven’t come close to filling that thing with songs, pictures, etc. In fact, the 8-gig and the 16-gig 3G models are being dropped to $99 and $199 respectively. And once you buy one of those, you can download the new OS and be just as cool as those pretentious 3G S owning idiots, as long as you’re cool not having a badass compass. But it is your money and if 16 more gigs and a compass is worth another $200-400 then by all means go out and get yourself the latest iPhone. Just don’t be upset when I download a punch-in-the-face application on my old 3G and use it on you repeatedly.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Brett - Problem Solved

I've been thinking about alternative careers for Brett ever since he and Sarah had that interchange about not being sure what job is the perfect fit for them. I've come up with some ideas, in no particular order...

1. Professional blog commentator

2. Bee Keeper

3. Indiana Jones apprentice

4. Casey's live-in personal assistant

5. Odor Tester

6. Fortune Cookie Writer

7. Chimney Sweeper

8. Professional Whistler

9. Furniture Tester

10. Roller coaster Tester

Obviously these all have varying levels of compensation, but I think all are worthy options for Brett to at least try. In fact, I would go as far to say that we should make a comprehensive list of weird and interesting jobs that would fit Brett's personality and then he should quit his job and just start working down the list. If he takes one of the jobs and he doesn't like it then he can just move on to the next. I think it would be awesome.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Open Mic Friday

The Sandwich Bandit:

I went to Subway to get a sandwich the other day and some older guy in a cheap suit walked up to my car window, tapped on it, and then proceeded to tell me this story about how he is in Houston taking his wife to the Medical center for an operation and now he is trying to get back home but his car is broken down...blah blah blah. About halfway through the story, I realize why this guy and his story look and sound so familiar, it's because he gave me the same BS about 6 months ago in the same parking lot, but last time it was in front of Schlotzsky's. So I say, "Look man, you already hit me up with this same crap about 6 months ago so either you're really unlucky and got into the exact same situation twice and happened to find me both times, or you're full of sh-- and are scamming me." Angrily the man throws his hands up and storms away. I'm getting mad at this point too because he starts walking over to another car doing the same thing so I yell "Stop scamming people" and he turns around and shakes his fist in the air at me.

There are two things you need to understand about me:

#1 I am sympathetic to the homeless and the poor, but that doesn't make me a sucker and it doesn't give them a free pass to violate the laws of our society. Whether you are poor or not, it is not right to manipulate and lie to people for financial gain. I put Maddoff, The Sandwich Bandit, and anyone who sells Efusion in the same category.

#2 I do not give money to people on the street because I cannot be 100% sure what they are going to do with it. If they buy more drugs and alcohol (and yes, that and mental disorders is why they are on the streets to begin with), then I have not helped them, but have made their situation worse. If I want to help those people, then I give my money to charitable organizations that help the poor and homeless in a responsible way.

Does it make me an insensitive prick because I don't want to give my spare change or money to people on the streets looking for a handout? Maybe, but I would argue that the person giving them money is hurting them more by helping them finance their destructive habits.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Cell Phones

1. Check out the link below: New cell phones that absorb radio waves in the air to charge themselves automatically, pretty cool. But if you weren't worried about getting cancer from your phone before, this should leave you with no doubt.

2. People that wear ear piece phones annoy me. Is it a fashion statement, or do they really think they could get a call at any second and can't risk missing it, or is it just the convenience of hand's free operation (hehe)? Whatever the reason, it looks stupid. I wrote the following letter to people that wear them:

Dear Ear Turd Enthusiasts,

You look stupid. You think having a phone in your ear makes you look important, but really it just makes you look pretentious. If you really were important enough to need the ability to take a call at literally any second because whatever knowledge you possess is so critical and life changing that it can't wait for you to return a phone call, then chances are you would not be sitting next to me at the Smoothie King in the middle of a suburban shopping mall. Nor would you be shopping at Target or stocking up on the oversized bags of dog food at Walmart, and yet I continue to see you there. Usually important people shop at nicer places, and have someone on staff to handle those things for them. Also, walking around talking to yourself is not normal, you look crazy. And it pisses me off when you are looking in my direction talking and I look at you and say "Excuse me" and you point at your ear and give me this "Go to hell, I'm on the phone" look as if I am so old fashioned because I didn't know that someone looking at me saying something means that they are talking to their ear phone and not to the person they were looking at. But I'm ok with you using it in the car, I think it's safer.

Warmest Regards,

3. iPhones are by far the best handheld mobile devices. Blackberries suck.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Hypothetical Hump Day: What day is it?

After a long week of the same old stuff, you go to bed late on Sunday night (when I pictured the clock in my hypothetical, it read 10:30...wow I'm getting old). When you wake up on Monday morning something doesn't feel right, and no, not like that. As you are going through your usual morning routine getting ready for work you notice that the date on your iPhone (sorry Brett - handheld mobile device) is last Monday's date. Confused and experiencing that ever so familiar feeling of deja vu, you start running around your house like a mad man trying to figure out the date. The news, internet, and newspaper all confirm the same thing. You have just waken up, 1 week ago. That's right, you just woke up on Monday morning one week earlier that what you have already lived through.

No doubt this would be a crazy feeling for anybody. What are you going to do with the 1 week do-over? At this point, let's assume that you don't know if this week will forever repeat Groundhog Day style, or if this is just a one time thing. Let's also assume that you have not eaten any of your stoner friends special mushroom brownies and that this experience is actually happening. Let's also assume you didn't know this was coming, so you couldn't have planned anything in advance. Some people would just freak out, maybe go crazy. Others might try to right the wrongs of their first attempt at the week, while others might think bigger picture.

What would you do if you woke up on Monday and it was 1 week earlier?

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

uh oh


Luckiest Man Alive

You guys aren't going to believe my luck! Look at the letter I just got...


Dear Sir,

CONCERNING GEORGE EDWARD FUNDS I am MR. DENNIS WILLIAMS, a SENIOR MANAGEMENT Staff in Foreign/Operations Department with one of the local banks here in Abidjan, Cote D'Ivoire(IVORY COAST).
On June 16, 1999, an Oil Contractors/ Consultants with Ivorien National Petrolum Corporation - MR .GEORGE EDWARD operated a Domiciliary Account with my bank and made a numbered time(fixed) deposits amounting to US$15,750,000 (Fifteen Million, Seven Hundred & Fifty Thousand United States Dollars). However, on investigation, it was discovered tha MR. GEORGE EDWARD & FAMILY were involved in the ill-fated Kenya Airline Plane Crash of January, 2003 in Abidjan Coast, in which all passengers on board died.
On further investigation, I discovered that MR.GEORGE EDWARD did not leave a WILL or NEXT OF KIN and all attempts to trace his Relatives to come for the claim of this fund proved abortive till date. This sum of US$15,750,000 is still lying in the Bank untouched and the INTEREST is being rolled over with the principal sum at the end of each year. For the past 6 years now, no one has ever come forward to claim the fund. According to Cote D'Ivoire (IVORY COAST) Laws, at the expiration of Ten (10) years, the bank will return the money direct to Federal Reserve Account through Central Bank of Cote d'Ivoire if nobody applies to claim the funds. However, my proposal is that I want you to stand in as the Next of Kin to Late MR.GEORGE EDWARD to benefit this fund so that the fruits of this old man's labour will not get into the hands of these corrupt government officials who might divert the fund direct into their personal pockets at the end of the Ten (10) years.
Also kindly consider the following Terms:- 1. You will provide a viable account details where you would like the bank to transfer the fund safely into your account as Next of Kin of the former depositor - MR.GEORGE EDWARD.

2. Please note that there is NO RISK attached to this as all the Computer Programming Work will be done by me, indicating that you are the legitimate Beneficiary of this fund. This Transaction has nothing to do with government of any country or individual. The original owner of the account is dead, so feel very free to co-operate with me so that we shall reap the benefits at the end. 3. You will be entitled to 30% from the total amount as your compensation after the transfer of fund into your account.

As soon as I receive your acceptance to participate in this transaction, I will furnish you with the necessary modalities to commence. Finally, I am relying my confidence in you, believing that you will not disappoint me.
Note - this is 100% RISK-FREE through out. I wait for your urgent reply. God bless you.

Sincerely Yours,


Friday, June 12, 2009

Open Mic Friday

Great video clip that Sarah forwarded me:


Another good one:


If bad policies aren't a good enough reason to not be a liberal or Democrat, try watching 10 minutes of The View. They are ridiculous.

Anyone who actually watched the news during the 08 election and didn't think the media and most of the major networks were in the bag for Obama is either blind, deaf, or just stupid. Our media should give us the facts, report the stories, tell us what is going on, and try as hard as they can to eliminate bias and opinions from their news reporting. I don't want their opinion, I just want the facts. I'll make up my own damn mind. We have a serious problem in this country when our media leans in one political direction or another.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Mad Props Thursday

What the hell!

Casey - Congrats on the new job!
Brett - Great job on your profile, it's hilarious!
JB - Congrats on your new business!
Eric - Congrats on letting HGCS fail because you were too lazy to take over my emailing duties!
Keith, Lindsay, and Shannon - Congrats on your new houses!
Kelly - Congrats on your new ride!
Nancy - Congrats on making it to your retirement goal!
RandiB - Congrats on your new blog! We'll send some traffic your way if you actually post on a regular basis.

Props to Kevin

Props to MoonBeam 3000! As you may or may not know, MB3K is an avid photographer and has a lot of his pictures posted on stock photo sites. (http://stockphotos.ash.com/)

Recently one of his photos was used in an article, check it out:



Brett is right, there are a ton of blogs out there. Millions of pages written by random people around the world, most of which don't really have a point. And most of which don't have any comments. Blogs are like all of the random and incomplete partial thoughts floating around in your head that you vomit all over the keyboard and post online for people to read. The problem is, nobody is reading it! I think that you should have to list it as a 'diary' until you actually get your first comment. Without people commenting and reading your blog, it's nothing more than you talking to an empty room.

On a related note, I think I'm against 'useful' blogs. If you have useful information then why the hell are you posting it on a blog? Launch a website or write a book. I think blogs should be reserved for posting of ideas, comments, opinions, stories, etc... I think having a consistent blog theme is ok, but people, let's please stay on track. Blogs are great because you can go to a random blog, read about a random topic or person's life, and then you're done. There is no story line, you don't have to see the last episode to understand this one, you don't have to know the characters mentioned, and you don't have to tune in next week if you don't feel like it. I've seen a few blogs where they just post a new picture they take each day or week and write a sentence comment about it. I like that. Simple. There isn't really a point and it's not really going anywhere. It just is what it is.

Upon further reflection, I think I might change the name of my blog to "A Very Serious Blog About Very Serious Things, sometimes and other times not."

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Hypothetical Hump Day: Man or Dog?

Your dog has gone missing so you go searching for it in the field behind your house. You find a cave (assume you just moved to the area and haven't had a chance to explore it yet) and hear noises inside. You go inside and see an injured man lying on the ground who appears seriously hurt but still alive. Near the man you see your dog who also appears seriously injured, but still alive. Right then you look up to see a huge Indiana Jones type of boulder rolling towards you. You only have time to pull either the stranger or your dog out of the cave to safety before the boulder crushes them and most definitely kills them. Who do you save?

A. Your dog
B. The stranger
C. Get crushed by the boulder while trying to decide who to save.
D. Screw my dog and the stranger, I'm getting out of here!

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

How it began and how it ended

A few things...

Number 1: Overheard in the office is a great site. If you haven't seen it yet, go check it out. http://www.overheardintheoffice.com/

Number 2: I have a new idea for a website/blog...what if like the above site, people posted funny conversations but instead of it being in the office, it could just be screen shots of their funny iPhone (oh sorry Brett - I mean their handheld mobile devices) text conversations like my example above. It could be great. I'm posting this here because I'm too lazy to do it myself, I can barely get out of bed to post a daily blog on here...much less manage an entirely different website. Feel free to steal the idea.

Number 3: I posted the pictures above to show a chain of events. It started with a text message and ended with Keith standing in a puddle of his own urine after a long night of drinking. I guess technically it's not really a chain of events because there are only two pictures. If I added another picture of us at the Melvin drinking a tank then it would be a chain. Right now it's just two pictures that may or may not be related. Or perhaps it's cause and effect. Through my awesome texting abilities, I convinced Keith to go out and as a result he pissed himself.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Real friends tell it like it is

Brandt: Mr. Lebowski is prepared to make a generous offer to you to act as courier, once we get instructions for the money.
The Dude: Why me, man?
Brandt: He believes the culprits might be the very people who, uh, soiled your rug, and you are in a unique position to confirm or disconfirm that suspicion.
The Dude: He thinks the carpet pissers did this?
Brandt: Well Dude, we just don't know.

The Dude: I dropped off the money exactly as per... look, man, I've got certain information, all right? Certain things have come to light. And, you know, has it ever occurred to you, that, instead of, uh, you know, running around, uh, uh, blaming me, you know, given the nature of all this new s--t, you know, I-I-I-I... this could be a-a-a-a lot more, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, complex, I mean, it's not just, it might not be just such a simple... uh, you know?
The Big Lebowski: What in God's holy name are you blathering about?
The Dude: I'll tell you what I'm blathering about... I've got information man! New s--t has come to light! And s--t... man, she kidnapped herself. Well sure, man. Look at it... a young trophy wife, in the parlance of our times, you know, and she, uh, uh, owes money all over town, including to known pornographers, and that's cool... that's, that's cool, I'm, I'm saying, she needs money, man. And of course they're going to say that they didn't get it, because... she wants more, man! She's got to feed the monkey, I mean uh... hasn't that ever occurred to you, man? Sir?

Friday, June 5, 2009

Open Mic Friday

Friday is here again. The lines are open.

I found a cool lake house that is approximately halfway between Dallas and Houston on Lake Limestone (near Groesbeck). So it would be a shorter drive than going to the river and probably cheaper than the river (40-50/pp). I think it would be awesome to get a group of 40 people together for a weekend summer camp at this place. They have volleyball, horseshoes, basketball, a boat dock and slide into the lake, a big screen tv, his/her shower and locker rooms, tons of bunk beds, a wide open living game room with a bar and lots of large tables which would be perfect for playing some 42. Check out the link below and let me know what you think.


After I wrote the above message I found an update...the people at the above place haven't replied to my email or returned my calls about available dates. So after looking further into it, I found the listing below. The freaking place is up for sale so perhaps they went under. They only want $1.4 million for it, so I was thinking it would be cool to get 40 people together and split the cost of it. Then we can all use it whenever we want. Each person only has to come up with $35,000.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Hypothetical - Drug Money

New day, new hypothetical.

Imagine that it's a nice sunny day and you are taking a drive somewhere along the Texas-Mexico border. The top is down, wind is blowing through your hair (screw all of you - it's a hypothetical), and life is good. You pull off the road and decide to go for a walk. You are in a wide open desert-like environment and there is nobody around for miles. While on your walk you hear what sounds like a low-flying plane overhead and as you look up a small plane flys right over you heading towards Mexico. As it flys overhead you notice that the luggage door appears to have come loose and items fall from the plane. The plane does not change course and continues on until it's nothing more than a spec in the sky. You run over to the items that fell from the plane and see two tightly wrapped clear plastic bags filled with what you can only assume is cocaine. Also lying next to the packages is a large blue duffel bag. You unzip the bag and discovered that it is filled with money. It looks to be at least 1 million dollars.

What is your next move?
A. Just leave.
B. Leave everything where it is, call the police, and wait.
C. Take some of the cash, stash it, and then call the police and wait.
D. Take all of the cash, get in your car, and drive away.
E. Snort all of the coke, strip naked, make it rain, put all the cash in your car, and drive away.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Burglar Hypothetical

Following up on yesterday's blog and comments, here is a new hypothetical situation:

- You and your spouse wake up to the sound of shattering glass at 3am. Your spouse goes to check it out and then you hear a gun shot. You get your gun from the top shelf of your closet and run into the kitchen where you see a man in dark clothes holding a gun and standing over your spouse who appears to be shot and dead, lying on the floor. You point and shoot a couple of times at the intruder, but not being skilled at firing a weapon you only hit the intruder once in the shoulder. The intruder falls to the floor and the weapon slides across the floor to the other side of the kitchen. The intruder is still alive and conscious, but is slumped on the ground holding his shoulder and appears to be in too much pain to get up.

Split decision, what do you do next?
A. Run into the bedroom, lock the door, and call the police.
B. Continue to aim the gun at the intruder and call the police.
C. Shoot the intruder in the leg to make sure they don't go anywhere and then call the police.
D. Empty your clip on the person and then call the police.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Pharmacist Kills Robber

The Facts (or close to them): Two young black males enter a pharmacy (which has been robbed before) with masks and a gun. They point a gun at the two women at the front counter and demand all of the money and drugs.

Side Joke: At which point one of the women says, "Do you have a prescription sir?" - j/k I couldn't resist

At which point the two women, who are mother and daughter run to the back of the pharmacy into a safe room of sorts. The pharmacist then runs out with a gun of his own and the two start shooting at each other. The pharmacist is hit in the hand or arm, the unarmed robber is shot in the head, and the armed robber runs out of the store. The pharmacist, who is an old man with spinal cord problems tries unsuccessfully to chase the second robber down. The pharmacist notices a third man outside the pharmacy sitting in a car with what looks to be a shotgun. The pharmacist points the gun at him and he speeds away, but is later apprehended by the police after running into a light pole.

The pharmacist then goes back inside and looks at the first robber who has a head wound, but is still alive and trying to talk and get up. The pharmacist goes to the back to look for the two women, gets a second gun, walks back over to the first robber, and empties his clip into him at which point he dies. The pharmacist then calls the police.

The pharmacist is being brought up on first degree murder charges.

My Take: This is a tough one. It's really hard for me to condemn a man protecting himself, two other people, and his store from being robbed. But on the other hand, it does not appear the robber laying on the ground with a head wound was a threat and the pharmacist still made the decision to shoot and kill him. Not sure that it still falls in the realm of self-defense, it sounds more like an emotional reaction of rage. The guy's attorney is arguing that the entire incident (which was filmed on the store's security cameras) all happened within a span of 45 seconds. And that the pharmacist didn't know if the first robber had a gun on him, if he was going to get up and come after them again, or if he had more friends who were going to come back, but that basically his actions were still in self-defense, which I think is a good argument. Bottom line for me, if you choose to commit a crime then you risk losing your life and these criminals picked the wrong store to rob that day.

Should the guy have gotten a second gun and killed the robber laying on the ground? Probably not. Would I have done the same thing in his shoes? Possibly.

Monday, June 1, 2009


As some of you know, Cindy and I have both had the Lasik procedure done (only fixes eyesight, not hair...common misconception) so in case any of you with poor eyesight have considered the procedure, today's blog will give you an idea of what to expect. I had mine done at the Berkley Eye Center and Cindy had hers done at Eye Excellence. Both did a great job, but my place gave me vision like an Eagle. Cindy's new eyesight is pretty good too.

1. I went in for an initial free consultation, which only took about 15-30 minutes. You just look into a blue light and they run a couple of tests to determine the exact shape of your eye and depth of your cornea. No pain. They tell you right then whether or not your are a candidate, which most people are. They also explain all of the side-effects, give you the worst case scenario information, and go over the costs, which is roughly $2,000 per eye after the insurance discounts.

2. Had to go for a month without wearing contacts and then went in for a normal eye exam. Same tests they always do including dilating your eyes. This took about 30 minutes.

3. Scheduled appointment and went in for the actual procedure. I went in on a Friday morning so I could have the weekend to recover.

4. There was no wait. As soon as I got there I signed a few forms, gave them my check, and then they took me into a small waiting area. They gave me a Valium and made me lie down while it kicked in and they also put in numbing drops. After about 10 minutes they took me into the operating room where I lied down under the first laser. (At Cindy's place they didn't give her the valium until after the procedure to help her sleep)

5. They put what looked like a small magnifying glass (like we used in elementary school science class to count lady big spots) without the lens over my eye. It didn't hurt, but it just felt like there was a lot of pressure on my eye. As soon as they did it, everything went black. Slowly I could see light again, but everything was blurry for the remainder of the operation. Once they had the thing on my eye, they pulled the laser over it and I could hear a clicking noise. The laser created a serious of bubbles in a circular shape on my eye lens, which you don't feel. They did this to both eyes, which took about 30 seconds per eye and then I just had to lie there and wait for about 10 minutes while the bubbles continued to form and join together. There was no pain, only a little discomfort and obviously a lot of anxiety.

6. Once the bubbles looked right, they moved me to another chair with the second laser. They then took a sharp tool (looks like dentist tool to scrape off plaque) and worked it under my eye lens. They then flipped the lens open creating a flap. It feels and looks like someone taking out your contact lens for you, and although it was weird and I was freaked out, this part didn't hurt at all. They then moved the laser over my eye and I heard clicking again. The flap part took about 1 minute per eye and the laser took about 45 seconds per eye. They then put some gel stuff (it was cool and refreshing like I just squirted a whole bottle of natural tears in there) in my eye and folded the flap back on and did the same thing to my other eye.

7. Once they put the flap back on my second eye, I sat up and could see. It was crazy. Everything was kind of foggy, but it was sharp and in focus which I haven't see without contacts and glasses for a long time. They take you to a post-op room and look inspect your eyes to make sure everything looks ok and that the flaps are on there good and then they let you go home.

8. Once you get home, all of the numbing drops they had been putting in start to wear off and your eyes burn. I'm not going to lie, it sucks. I think the worst part is Step 5 when they put the magnifying lens thing over your eye and the second worst thing is the burning once you get home. But you're suppose to go to sleep for approximately 6 hours because your eyes heal the fastest while closed. Once I fell asleep and woke up later than night (around 6 or 7pm) my eyes felt fine and the burning was completely gone.

9. You have to take 3 different types of drops over the next week or so as well as wear goggle type things while you sleep. But as everyday goes by your vision improves. I had a follow-up appointment the next morning, the following week, one month after the procedure, and then a 6 month follow-up. The first week or so I was a little sensitive to light and had minor halos at night. Cindy, who already had bad halos at night, had really bad halos after the operation but those have slowly been going away with time as well. The morning after my procedure I had 20/20 and the week after I had 20/15 vision, which means that I can see at 20' what you average vision chumps have to be at 15' to see....eagle vision, babies, eagle vision.

I am a super big sissie. My eyes water at the mere mention of anything eye related. My eyes started watering trying to find a picture for today's blog. And the entire operation I was clenching my fists, stretching out my toes, and freaking out. But the operation itself was really not that painful and is probably better described as uncomfortable. I was in and out of the operating room in about 15-20 minutes. My point being that if I can do Lasik then I think anyone can do it. And for those of you that see debt as an effective management tool of wealth building, they do offer financing.

It's the little things that have been so great:
- waking up and being able to see the clock
- being able to watch TV/read a book and fall asleep in bed or on the couch without crushing my glasses or letting my contacts get plastered to my eyes
- not having to deal with glasses or contacts on the river
- not dealing with glasses slipping off my face while working out
- gaining all of the extra room in my dop kit (for you Justin) by not having to pack contact case, glasses case, eye drops, and contact solution

For those of you considering it, at least go the free consultation, it's worth 15 minutes of your life.