Tuesday, June 23, 2009

I'm starting to get pissed off...

I'm starting to get pissed off...at my work there are these little fruit fly gnat type bugs that fly around and make me angry. I see about 1 or 2 of them every week. No matter how many I kill there are always more, they never go away. They are really small and really fast, probably silver colored. Now that I think about it, I see them in my home office also...and in my car, and at the store, and....

I'm going to do at least one or more of these things:

- shut down my business, it's infested
- take a bath, I'm infested
- take my medication, I'm seeing things
- move into a secure underground lair where nothing can get in, especially really fast silver fruit fly gnat type bugs
- get a reverse Lasik procedure, seeing gnats is a common side-effect


  1. Jake,
    You need to get those sticky things that you hang up and they attract the bugs and then they stick to it. I know it's kind of gross, but then they at least won't be buzzing you as much.

    P.S. -- Bugs are typically attracted to moisture and you are living in one of the most humid cities in the country, so if you are serious about solving your bug issue, you may want to add "- get the hell out of this city" to your list of options. I personally can't wait to move to a dryer climate where humidity and bugs can't get the best of me.

  2. Thanks for the advice Brett. Dallas is already pretty dry, where else would you go, Arizona?

    The humidity in Houston sucks sometimes, especially every couple of summers when it gets really bad. But the upside is your skin is never dry and always stays moisturized keeping everyone nice and young looking. It's pretty much like the fountain of youth.

    If I left Houston, I would have to give up being successful and I don't think it's worth it. Just ask Casey, once you make it, you move to Houston.

  3. Is that pronounced like Brett's Gheart or is a silent first letter like Houston and humid?

  4. I personally prefer the pronunciation of the "g", but it's a personal preference. Can you call and leave the following voice mail on my phone:

    "Houston's humid and hot homes help heal homeless Haitians hell on high heels. HOLLA!!!!"

  5. If I could figure out how to post that message to this blog, I would do it!

  6. let me try again and do it in a more serious voice this time, don't answer

  7. Dallas is only dry in comparison to umid swamps like Ouston (I'm done with silent letters!). I would love to live in Colorado, California, or Vancouver. That would also get me away for the heat and from the bible belt where I keep having to hear how awesome God is.

    Don't get me wrong, there are lots of things I like about Texas and depending on what happens I may end up staying here for a long time, but two of my greatest passions in life is snow skiing and beautiful weather, and Texas just isn't getting it done in either department.

  8. did they ever decide to do this?


  9. Also, Jake,
    I can understand why you need to stay in Ouston right now, but in theory if you were to get your business big enough, couldn't you move somewhere else and start a new branch, and keep your business going in Ouston. And then you could live in Ouston for half the year and your other location for the other half of the year, and get the best of both worlds. Now that's big ballin!!

  10. I would be afraid to test that theory. I'm not sure if success comes with moving to Houston or if the successful are attracted to Houston and could in theory live anywhere. Only Casey can tell us...

  11. Ahhh, your classic chicken/egg dilemma...

  12. Well, according you your most recent poll, everybody thinks i should be a fortune cookie writer...the only problem I have with that is that is most fortunes from a cookie are way too general and are always uplifting.

    1. Broad, general fortunes are a waste of time, and I would rather have a detailed fortune that doesn't come true.

    2. Just as many bad things happen in this world as good things, and my fortune cookies would represent them both equally. Some can be taken as good news or bad news, depending on who you are, such as my first example below.

    Here are a few examples of the fortunes I would write:

    - LSD can be hidden in almost any food or drink without detection, and tomorrow you will find this out first hand.

    - Great challenges will present themselves to you in the coming weeks, and you should prepare yourself for failure.

    - You will meet the person of your dreams tomorrow, but unfortunately their fortune is not the same.

    - Your average performance at work in the coming weeks will far exceed everyone's poor expectations.

    - You will soon have the best sex of your life, but it will be very average.

    - Wear goggles everywhere you go for the next month...trust me on this one.

    - The good news is I don't believe in hell. The bad news is you are going to die soon.

    - If you can find a way to only take right turns for the next week, I would highly advise it.

    - Good things are in your distant future, but who is to say what will happen until then.

    - If red is your favorite color you are absolutely screwed. Seriously screwed.

    - After being in the desert for eight hours you are going to realize that you are lost and out of water. I would advise trading in your iPhone before this happens, that way you won't run out of power and die of heat exhaustion and dehydration.

  13. Wow, those are awesome. It looks like the majority was right, you should do that for a living. Maybe you should start your own fortune cookie business with more specific fortunes like your examples. I love fortune cookies, but am also always dissappointed by the generic, vague fortunes they contain. I also think that every fortune should be unique, but that would require a lot of extra work.

  14. i loved basically every fortune. Seriously, we should sell these types of fortune cookies!

  15. I found a place we can order them online, 17 different messages, 500 for $50.

  16. Here are some fortunes I would write:

    You know that glass of apple juice you drank that you thought had soured? Sorry, someone pissed in your drink.

    DO NOT get out of the left side of your bed tomorrow. Also, your dog still craps on the floor.

    Sorry dude, her period's not coming this month.

    You will get good news from your mom tomorrow. She's a hot, MILF, lesbian.

    Ma'am, the reason he didn't show up to this chinese dinner or call, well, it's because you're ugly.

    Your dog called, it said to stop jerking off to the national geographic channel. You're creeping him out.

  17. i meant to say
    You will get good news from your mom tomorrow. Spoiler Alert: She's a hot, MILF, lesbian.

  18. You really stepped that up a notch Casey. I was still trying to stay gender friendly and somewhat general, but you just went for the whole kit and kaboodle. That's right...that's what I just said.

  19. Yeah, I don't know limits really. Sometimes it's good, usually it's bad. Also, I'm not sure if that was a compliment or an judgment. Either way, thank you.

  20. Jake: DO NOT get one of those sticky things that attract flys and annoying bugs...they are disgusting! Then you have company over and they see the sticky trap filled with dead insects; instant judgment. lol Use wine...a glass of red wine attracts them as well; they will fly in and drown - then, give bug filled wine to Brett. :)
    Casey: Loved yours fortunes; very impressive.
    Brett: Sorry about the wine. :)

  21. RandiB, As much as I appreciate your compliments on my fortune cookie writing skills, I should tell you, I only have 2 enemies in this world: people who wish my good buddy Brett ill will, and...canadians. Congratulations, with today's comments, you've become my super enemy! Nemesis if you will. Were we in a comic book, I'd be wearing a blue outfit with a red cape and you'd be a weird, bald, billionaire. Congratulations on making a new enemy for life!....Just kidding! I love foreigners. They're delicious!

  22. RandiB --

    A. The "sticky trap" is not a permanent fixture that can't be removed when said guests are coming over.

    B. If you knew Jake you would know that a glass of alcohol within reach would be quite a distraction while trying to design buildings, And being an architect may be one of those jobs where you want to be sober while doing.

    C. Casey gets love for his "impressive" fortunes and I get a glass of wine full of dead flies? OK...I see...If I were writing a fortune for you it would go something like this:

    Watch your F%@#ing back cause you're gonna get F@%#ed up. The forecast is cloudy with a 70% chance of pain.

  23. Brett - I think you're confusing me with a structural engineer, usually drinking and designing buildings go hand in hand for architects.

    I thought your fortunes were much better than Casey's, sorry Casey.

  24. In the spirit of the day, Jake, here's what your fortune would read:

    First, give this to someone who knows how to read, because you're obviously a complete stupid, idiot, moron who doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground, and have the aforementioned person read this to you. Second, go f%#k yourself with your sideburns!

    (Reverse side) Learn Chines # (fa-qu-hew) lucky numbers: 1,2,3,4,5,6

  25. I don't think all of that would fit on the slip of paper. Does this mean we're not going into the fortune cookie business together? Dibs on Brett.

  26. Nope, congratulations, the market has just become a little more saturated.

  27. If you need an investor in the fortune cookie venture, holla. Brett's clear niche is in the writing of fortune cookie fortunes. I could also see a Brett machine. It would be very similar (any likeness would be coincidental) to the Zoltar machine from the movie Big. When you put in your money a mechanical Brett would take a drag off a cigarette and a little fortune would pop out.

  28. I couldn't love this idea more!

  29. You will find the Fifth Element DVD you've been looking for. You will literally find it in the last place you look.

    Your morning commute will take slightly longer than usual, on average, over the next three days.

    I'm not sure when, but someone did something with your toothbrush.

    Your air conditioner will just, for no reason, stop working, thus butterfly-effecting you into a life of misery and pain.

  30. Casey: Bald millionaire?? really? lol, I was thinking I'd be more of a catwoman myself...but hey, if you're into bald millionaires, I'll play along. ;) Im sorry you hate canadians, but really...compared to americans like yourself, we're not that bad. hehe :D
    Brett:Thanks for the fortune, sounds like today is gonna be a good day! :)

  31. RandiB- did you get hit by the turbulent economy? I called you a bald billionaire and the next day you referenced yourself as a bald millionaire. Sorry for the status downgrade! That's what you get for trying to make an evil clone of me and force me to fight myself in a junk yard...